Note: Unfortunately, this is only a first draft and there is a lot of editing I would like to do, but I want to get something up, so I'm going to post it as is.
The other night my wife and I were talking about how to convince our two year old son not to throw things. A week before that, we needed to put a quick end to pinching his baby sister, and we're still trying to get him to stop lying on his back and kicking the walls. All kids do things they shouldn't, either because they are dangerous or destructive, and as parents we have to make them stop as soon as possible.[1] Parents try all kinds of approaches with greater or lesser consistency and greater or lesser success. From my personal experience and my observation of other families, I've noticed there are three main, verbal strategies for getting kids to listen: just saying no; giving a simple reason that can satisfy kids, but which may not be true or complete; giving the full and honest reason not to do that.[2] Regardless of which strategy parents choose, almost all choose, very few parents have really considered the implications of what they are saying to their children.
Giving children an untrue, or irrelevant, reason to do or not do something is the worst possible choice. It is unfortunate that this strategy also has some of the best short term results. Because the reason is easily understandable, the child is satisfied and agrees to act appropriately. Unfortunately, as the child grows older, this strategy will start to backfire as the child realizes that the reasons given often don't make sense. In this case, the child will either stop trying to understand and just do what he is told, forfeiting his own powers of reason, or, if he is strong willed, rebel against what he correctly identifies as an attempt to control him. Neither outcome is likely to satisfy parents, but because that outcome is generally years in the future, many parents either avoid thinking about it or simply don't realize what is waiting for them.
A lot of parents who would otherwise choose differently, myself included, when tired, or frustrated, or angry, or exasperated, fall back on just saying no. I think its safe to say that we all realize this isn't the best choice in terms of immediate results, as kids tend to forget our anger quickly, or long term effects, as we all want our children to learn to control their emotions. But there are also times when we are calm and understanding and still choose to tell our children no without an explanation. I think it is fair to say that this a reasonable choice as long as it is not overused, and we also choose to give goods reasons (see below) when our children are able to understand them. If we always say no without an explanation, we are teaching our children that they must listen to an arbitrary authority; that there is no reason not to do something (or to do something) except that someone else says they shouldn't (or should). As they get older, and they start thinking about things more on their own, it means they will have no way to determine in advance whether or not a particular act is acceptable except by asking or, more likely, guessing. Unfortunately, guessing what other people will and will not find acceptable, aside from being really difficult, is not an appropriate method for choosing actions in the real world. Without a more solid moral system in place, children will be unable to succeed in pursuing their values as they grow older and move into adulthood.
In contrast to the say nothing strategy of talking to our children, the strategy of giving clear, true explanations means telling our children exactly why they should or should not do something. This means that parents are passing on their own moral code to their children. This is absolutely something all parents should do, but I must add a few caveats. First, most adults don't actually have an explicit moral code of their own. As a result, in passing it on to their children, they will almost certainly make contradictory statements from time to time. Depending on their personalities, kids may ask their parents about these contradictions or they may keep quiet and wonder about them. In the first case, unless the parent is willing to take a serious look at his or her own beliefs, it is unlikely the child will receive a satisfactory resolution to the apparent moral conflict. In the second case, there is no chance that the child will receive a satisfactory resolution. But if children must choose between two contradictory guidelines when selecting actions, they are in a worse position than if they had not been told anything at all, because whichever way they choose, they are wrong. What children are learning in this case is that the universe doesn't always make sense, and that they cannot hope to understand it--the worst possible outcome.[3]
Another important issue related to giving children accurate explanations for why they should or should not do something is the child's level of understanding. There are a lot of moral situations which are simply too complex for a child to grasp completely, and even simple situations can easily be over-explained. When choosing how to explain to a child, it is important to give as accurate an explanation as possible while remaining within the scope of the child's understanding. This can be a very difficult line to discern, but it is important to at least be aware of it.
One last point regarding quality explanations is that children just don't want to hear it all the time. Choose your timing well, when the child is not too tired, not too emotional. Don't give the same lesson over and over several times a day. Repetition is best accomplished over long periods of time, and moral training is no different. Once you've explained something to a child once, it is almost certainly best to just say no to them the next few times and only revisit the lesson after a reasonable period of time.
Kids want and need to know the reason for things. They want to know why the sky is blue and where they came from. But knowing how to act and why is one of the most important lessons they will ever learn, because in these lessons will be the material they will use to decide what values are worth pursuing and how to best pursue them. As such, all of their future happiness, their sense of self-worth, and their ability to succeed in any endeavour will in whole or part depend on the moral systems they acquire as children. As parents who want the best for our chilren, it is our duty to ensure that what we teach them will enable them to become responsible, self-regulating adults.
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[1] Kids also do things we just don't like, such as putting their feet on the dinner table while eating. We need to discourage this behaviour as well, but the issue is somewhat different and some different tactics are probably in order.
[2] The question of whether or not it is appropriate to hit a child, or whether time-outs are effective or reasonable, or whether any other form of non-verbal convincing is appropriate is a topic for another day.
[3] Fortunately, most children have a much stronger sense than adults that the universe should make sense, and they are likely to continue trying to make sense of it for many years despite the contradictory information they receive from the adults around them.
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